SECOND HOSPITAL STAY

Oh My Gawd—–I cannot believe I landed in the hospital again. I knew I was feeling bad after the first time…..only home for less then two weeks and everything fell apart fast. Believe it or not – I have no memory of the day before or the day of when my daughter called 911 yet again.  She said I was screaming for help – that I could not breathe. I remember nothing. Apparently the paramedics tried to talk to me over and over – but I was gone. By the time they got me in the ambulance – I believe I died…. I do remember waking up in the ER….. I had been intubated, tubes everywhere,  all kinds of stuff in my arms, I could not speak, and I was in and out of consciousness. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my daughter scared out of her mind. The look on her face made me realize that things were really bad.

People talking to me but I could not answer…. fading in and out…… then the next thing when I opened my eyes was I was in the ICU unit,.,.been there the last time. Apparently they had to cut into my jugular vein to put a line straight to my heart. So I have I nice scar from that. Then since I regained consciousness – they no longer needed to intubate me so those tubes had to come out of my mouth from all the way down my stomach…. makes ya choke but after I coughed for 10 minutes – finally my breathing returned to what is normal in my condition.

I spent the week there getting pumped full of antibiotics and all kinds of breathing treatments and pills to keep me calm—my panic attack was OFF the scale. This trip scared me – it had me thinking that I have already been in the hospital for all this and yet I am back again with the same doctors – do they know what they are doing?

The good news is my son and his wife and my grandbabies surprised me and visited me in the hospital. It was the medicine I needed. This son wants his dad and I to give up our house and find someplace near him to live. However that topic is for future reference.

So the end result of this second hospital stay is the following – I have to learn how to walk all over again….so I have been ordered a brand new walker to start. I have to have someone with me 24/7/365. I am getting an electric cart so that I get out of the house and I am able to do what I need to in errands. I will also have to go through a sleep study in order to be fitted for a c-pap machine. Apparently I don’t take in enough oxygen and I retain too much carbon dioxide….. so this machine forces more oxygen inside me so that my lungs are having good air moving around.

That is where I am…… This time truly I was scared – and my daughter apparently fell apart at work at some point – so her job let her stay home with me my first couple of days home so she could just chill. She is doing much better now and back to work – and I truly am very proud of how she handled everything.

Well time for more meds….Thanks for stopping by and reading this!!!!

A WEEK LATER

It has been a week since I have been home – and today I have noticed that my breathing is labored again. I can hear myself wheezing. I am not happy. I am trying to stay positive until Monday when I see my doctor. I figured the doctor can actually say yes I still hear the pneumonia and we need to do this or maybe I should go back to the hospital…. I am scared to death that I am going to get to that bad of an issue again and I will wind up in the hospital for them to figure out what to do.

I am not in the mood for hospitals… it seems they really want to take care of you until they find out either you have no insurance or you are covered by workman’s comp or something else that lame. I think that is why I had to leave the hospital. I think they reached the limit with workman’s comp—-at least that is something I suspect. Every day there was someone in my room asking about who they can contact and accident numbers etc. Which by the way is another complaint of mine—again (without me knowing) they changed my case manager and my nurse manager. So I had no idea who to talk to or what was going on. Now I have names and numbers – but that was an issue. Also the fact that my own doctor did not come to see me—drops the ball for the hospital.

I am just tired..,… I don’t think I am getting better now. I think I was on the road to recovery but now I have a cough and I am still wobbly on my legs and my head is still fuzzy. I also was suppose to get a walker to give me a little stability while walking—that never happened.

The respiratory therapist wanted me to go home on a c-pap but that also did not happen. When I was on that – my daughter said the color came back to my face and it seemed like a weight was off my chest. So I guess I will find out at the doctors on Monday. I feel like I am riding the fence with my anxiety. It is getting harder and harder to keep myself together. Just waiting on Monday.

LONG STORY

I did not expect to be missing all this time. I just came back from the hospital – was in all last week. I could not take the not breathing and not being able to catch my breath anymore. So after I could not even make it from the bathroom back to the puter room – I told my daughter to call 911. She wanted to drive me to the hospital but I knew I was bad and that would have made the driving too stressful for her—so she called. The fire dept. is only about 3 miles up the road— it is a small community…. they came and then everything went in fast motion…. I could not take one more step – so they got me on the gurney lots of oxygen –tons of questions- and I was terrified. Never saw where my daughter went.

To make a crazy week short—-they found out I have pneumonia. That is why I was not getting better…. I needed antibiotics and breathing treatments through a cpap. I was sent to the ICU unit…. everyone and their mother seem to be coming in and out. I think 24 hours past before I ever got any rest. They did a sona gram of my heart – the tech said that my heart looked really strong with no problems – then I was sent for an MRI for my lungs – and that is when the pneumonia was discovered – they had already done a regular xray but I guess they suspected something was not right – and they were right.

Lots of blood work done – tons and tons of questions done…. and of course the first day you meet with registration because they want to know where to send the bills to.

At one point in the hospital I freaked out and had an anxiety attack…..thank God they gave me my anti anxiety pills because I would have just flipped….. they let my daughter stay with me —- made her feel better—She could barely deal with things. The first night she stayed over – we watch ironman3 and munched out on graham crackers and peanut butter… and I think we both felt better – it seemed like things settled down.

Now I am home and trying to get my meds from the hospital—but all else is good. I am glad I am home….hopefully there wont be any return trips.!!!

ANXIOUS TIMES

There are days that I feel I can sit here and write forever about just stuff. I am random that way—sometimes I lose my train of thought—and ideas just flying around—things I want to try—something that made me laugh I just couldn’t stop. I also have days that the less interaction I have with anyone and everyone – is a blessings. Well for a couple of days now – I have been on the edge of anxiety and panic. I don’t feel comfortable at all.

I don’t want people telling me anything because I fear that I will take it wrong or misunderstand them-I wish I could explain it better but it is just how I feel.

There are days that the wonderful people I met online that I feel have been friends – are not friends—that I am not part of their real life. They have never said that to me – nor made me feel that way—it is just the way my head spins things when I anxiety ridden.

Also now that I am hooked up to an oxygen machine 24/7/365…..I have dug my heals more in—I don’t have the freedom of just jumping up and going anywhere—now things have to be planned in advance because a mobility canister only holds 3 hours of air. I have noticed that 3 hours can fly by before you know it.

Not the best picture—but there it is—the little tank on top that is laying on its side is the 3 hour canister—the rest is the machine I use 24/7….I have named it IGOR. I don’t know why—-it just looks like an Igor to me—I always have to name things—strange habit I have. Did I mention that the doc has been giving me b-12 shots….I know it is suppose to help your immune system….help fight…….give you energy—ummmm no, I have not noticed any more energy spurts at all.

Anyway—There have been some serious days that I really wanted to quit the lounge and kind of drop out of sight….it is not the people….just don’t have the energy for it all. However those days that I feel like dropping out of sight are the days that my anxiety is right on the edge….and it would be the worse time to just quit—because I would be doing it for the wrong reason.

Well – time for lots of meds and to chill out for a bit—sorry for the gibberish, I have no idea if I am making any kind of sense—see ya soon!!….. PEACE!!

THE MONTHLY DOCTOR APPOINTMENT

Yes folks – another day at the doctor……sometimes I am just not in the mood to sit in the waiting room for hours waiting to be called back. Then once your vitals are taken you wait for a long time in one of the exam rooms.

Well this appointment is the one after they started me on extra inhalation meds and new meds and oxygen 24/7. So very very slow is the progress. I think the doctor thinks it was tooooo slow – I have slowly been losing weight—but now the doc does not want me to eat processed foods and no more soda…..the soda is going to kill me—but that’s ok…I can live with it. Now we have to be careful what we buy that is processed food. I already do not use salt…so that was nothing to give up.(As a side note here—the doc feels that processed foods can effect medications—which is why he brought it up).

Anyway – I decided to name my oxygen machine something—since we are now attached — his name is Igor. Don’t ask me why—-it just fits for me. It is A LOT to get used to—dragging tubing around me wherever I go in the house. Also when I leave the house I have to carry a mini version of a concentrator but it only has 3 hours on it – so I have to carry two canisters if I leave the house to go anywhere.

Okay now —-my daughter and son both got jobs at universal (like I mentioned in a previous entry). It took my daughter A LOT of time for her feet got use to standing all day long – but now her right knee is not getting any better—-I may  need to get her one of those sleeves they use as a brace for her knee.  She absolutely loves her new job and loves getting paid every week and buying things for herself that she has wanted for a long time. I really am proud of her. Her brother-who just recently moved back in with us….just says it is a job—he has bad luck with jobs—-I think the longest he has ever had a job is maybe 2-3 months. I have no idea what his problem is — but it is time to grow up and make the best of what life is handing him.

Just as a side note also—-my boys turned 29 yesterday—-omg – I feel so old saying that but I am truly proud of them and the men they have become!!!! Until Next time—PEACE!

TRACING BACK DEPRESSION

Lately I have been thinking about what has started this chronic depression I have been in. It has been years—-I think as a child I repressed so  much because my parents were not the type that discussed how you felt or what you were thinking or expressing yourself, outside of what they believed.

My parents already had their own ideas what they wanted for my brother and I. My parents wanted my brother to go to Annapolis and they wanted me to go into nursing. My brother was so hoping to be an artist—-his work is out of this world. I wanted to work with kids and pursue art – different from my brothers…I am more mixed media – where his is straight painting or building something he wants or needs—again his talent is amazing!!.

My parents did not want to hear it….kind of sad…never being allowed to express oneself. My parents also did something that I did not realize how much it would affect me until in later years……they used to compare out report cards—-they would not be bad if we were the same age and grade—-but my brother is 2.5 years younger then me and was two grades back. My brother built up a lot of resentment against me for them doing that. Also because of the chores we did—-I got a lil more then him.

So actually I have never been close to my brother—his choice not mine. I have reached out – he could careless. So I think all of this compiled together just  started that road to depression. (my brother would not talk to me for 4 years because I brought a boyfriend home and I let this boyfriend touch his comic book collection) I apologized dozens of times but that never helped. That grudge has lasted decades—saddens my heart.

Once I left for college—-and then my brother – the contact went to almost non-existent. Then other issues came up in life…..I eventually moved to Florida because my parents moved down here for retirement and since I was the last one left in NY – my parents said that I should look into daycares (early pre-school is my degree). So I came down a year after they did….. found a daycare for sale and life was good. My brother was also in Florida – and my older sister had been living down here for a long time. My Brother go into the construction business—– began his life the way he wanted.

I met someone – single dad with three kids 4,5,6, and we fell in love (at least that is what I thought it was) and got married. I got pregnant with twins…….. they were three months early……baby boy weighed 1.4 pounds and baby girl weighed 2.0 pounds. Obviously we could not bring them home until they were strong enough and weighed at least 4 pounds.

They were born in September – brought them home in November—Christmas was way tooo cold for Florida that we had rolling brown outs – you only had electricity 15 minutes every hour. Well baby boy got sick —every week they doctor appointments anyway – but he was not responding the way they wanted him to. In February – he was hospitalized for a couple of days…..he came home—–and the first week in march again another doctor appointment for them—they came home on heart monitors which is why all the doctor appointments…..On March 8th they had an appointment with a heart specialist. I heard Baby Boy getting fussy so I picked him up and then I walked around the house looking for his binky….I found it and laid him back down until I can get their bottles ready….all of a sudden I heard no noise from the babies…..I went to check and baby boy was unresponsive…to make a VERY VERY painful time in my life short – he passed away – the official reason was S.I.D.S. After that I was never ever the same. My marriage fell apart….. and my business busted out….So I think I have always been depressed. Events in my life have added to it….I went the round of talking to a psychiatrist but that was getting me no where.

When I became disabled from being exposed to black mold – that just blew me away. My lungs are permanently damaged—and there is no cure for COPD…..so not wanting to leave my house and taking a shower whenever and so on—is just one big monster sitting on my mind—searching for the button that says no more depression—–I have yet to find it though.

Well of course I have let out lil details – if you want to know more about what I have written feel free to ask…..PEACE!!!!!

BREATHING

I have been having major problems just breathing. I believe I have mentioned that before however – with the extra meds and stronger inhalation meds for a nebulizer and on oxygen 24/7 – you would think I would notice some sort of improvement. Any kind of improvement, however it is still difficult to just move from one chair to the next 3 feet away—-I lose my breath. It scares the hell out of me that I cannot breath and then that fear just sets off my panic attacks.

As a result of these attacks – thoughts like writing a letter to my children – to Allen – a few select friends. Tying up loose ends such as being more specific in my Will.

At those times – I start feeling like I just want to STOP fighting. Stop taking 4 pills in the morning and 18 pills at night – and 4 breathing treatments daily plus inhaling powdered steroids – pill steroids – nose meds…… well I guess you get the picture. All of this gets old. I have been doing this for 14 years –   yes 14 years…..and I am tired of fighting – tired of trying to keep strong….and tired of not trusting how I feel emotionally.

I cannot even remember when was the last time I truly felt happy—that depression was for other people to deal with not me. I loved going out just for a drive – or to go window shopping – loved going out just to get ideas for my art………. All of that is gone.

Enough whining – until next time – PEACE!!!!

AFTER THE BIRTHDAY

I had a marvelous birthday. I received dozens and dozens of birthday wishes and messages and all. My Daughter made my favorite dinner (I just could not bring myself to go out)-and then we had oreo cookie ice cream cake——absolutely delicious. People truly made my day absolutely perfect. The one thing that topped it all – that made me feel like a million bucks was my grandchildren calling me—all I could do is cry – it just touched my heart so much that they called and wished me a happy birthday….it was the best present.

A few things have happened since my doctor appointment – I am slowly getting used to being on oxygen 24/7 – but the last two days have been rough—I seem to be back to being severely out of breath before starting oxygen all day and new meds… I am going to have to be diligent and remember I need at least 3 breathing treatments a day…. it takes a lot to set up just for one treatment  every time but I am running out of options. It is a horrifying feeling not being able to take another breath. It really does scare me to no end which only sets off my panic attacks—each time I walk somewhere in the house it take me at least an hour to recover after I get breathing better – this is so not how to live a life.

There are days that I am so tired of fighting it all – there are days I just want to lay down and that is it….. it is so hard to keep fighting – and now that things have taken a turn for the worse – just makes me think that all the fighting up to this point has been for nothing.

Well – truly that is enough for now – I am just making myself more depressed!! PEACE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

It is during this special times in my life that I so miss my parents—they always took me (and the family) out to dinner and my father and I had an understanding – I never discussed how old he is getting because I am getting older – just a silly joke between us but it made me giggle every time.

It would take a miracle from God himself to remind my siblings that its my birthday – every since my folks have passed away – I have not heard a word from them.

A LOT of my friends from the lounge and such are making my birthday one big celebration—The decorating of it and gifts of beautiful skins that decorate your personal pages….they really have touched my heart.

We will see what today and tomorrow brings. To be honest I would so prefer to have a guinea pig and art supplies. Allen said no to the guinea pigs which sort of ticked me off and my daughter went out on a date instead of shopping for the supplies I wanted….so it seems it will be a slow day for the birthday girl. Honestly I don’t need gifts – I just want to be surrounded by family and friends and that is it.

Okay – in case you have not noticed on the right side bar – there is a tag for 2014 Blog For Mental Illness. I think this is an awesome project. Perhaps some story that has happened to you—-and what you did when it happened can help someone else. You are more then welcome to click the tag and find out more information about it—-but me and my blog will deal with the mental health issues more so then anything else – and you never know – I may learn something from someone else—and I like the idea that Mental Health comes out to the forefront—not some taboo!!!!

Well I will let you know how the birthday festivities went – Have a Happy Day!!!!!

SOME CHANGES

Well along with New meds from the doctor for my lungs – I am now on 24/7 oxygen. I am already on oxygen but it is for when I sleep. Well I guess my lungs just cannot take in enough oxygen on their own for me so I now have to be on 24/7. So today supposedly this oxygen company (who I have never dealt with) is suppose to bring me all my equipment. Right now they are waiting approval from W/C, who take forever to say approved. W/C has no choice but to approve it – but they like to take their sweet time. I just don’t have the fight left in me. Right now I would so prefer to just stay in bed and just vegetate.

Anyway – Today my daughter started her orientation at Universal. She is beyond thrilled and happy and that is all I care about. At least she is getting her foot in the door….. it is all up to her to work hard and do well. She is just happy not having to sign spin anymore. Standing out near the road and spin signs – just does not seem to be very safe at all. I worried all the time….too many hurtful people out there.

Now—I have thought a few things out – and I am determined to get this computer room organized so that I can do art projects that I have been thinking long and hard about. I need to just create and let me mind go crazy over ideas and projects and such – That is what I want. BTW – my birthday is coming up – I am hoping to get that program Dragon Talking. I want to be able to talk and leave the typing up to the puter. My kids want to know about things when I was growing up – since now both my parents are gone – They want to know what I remember of family and such – so this should be fun. I also want a Chihuahua – but I know that is not happening – we still have 3 huge dogs ….. they would trample the lil one. Other then that – I have no plans.

Well enough humdrum – until next time – PEACE!!